'Sorry. I was forgetting myself.'
'Can we focus please? There have been grumblings for a while now, we both know that. But this has come out of the blue.'
'We knew it would come one day. The only tricky bit was working out which side would instigate it.'
'It's my side, I'm afraid. But based over here! That's the bit I can't get my head around. Why not near his birth place? Or anywhere in the Middle East?'
'I mean, America for fucks sake! They'd love all this shit. But no, it is here.'
'Yes. Is anyone ever actually awake round here?'
'Damien will be, don't worry about that.'
'He's chosen here for a reason. Probably because it's so quiet. When your four mates turn up what will the reaction be? A strongly worded letter into the newspaper, probably.'
'They're not friends of mine, don't you worry about that.'
'They're on your side.'
'They're freelance. Wouldn't trust any of them. Especially Death. Right little twat he is.'
'Not sure I can trust you anymore, to be fair.'
'Oh, well that's nice isn't it? How long have we been friends?'
'Think we first met around the time you started the Great Fire of London, so over 300 years.'
'Yes, we have our disagreements on things, but I'm not going to stab you in the back. Anyway, we've been through the plan enough times.'
'Enough times to know it's flawed. Deary me, if the Boss finds out.'
'Yeah? Your Boss, huh? Want to think about mine for a moment? You think me turning my back on fire, brimstone, Hades, the entire underworld and Satan knows what else is going to go down well? That I'll get a free pass back and a nice tour of all of our facilities?'
'It is our only hope.'
'I understand that.'
'Oh, it's coming, alright. And we're running, alright.'
'What if there's space for only one of us, though? Who gets in?'
'Who's done more for our respective sides? Me.'
'I had a hand in creating rabbits. I was personally responsible for overseeing oak trees. I green lighted Stephen Fry!'
'Yeah? I caused Vesuvius, used my skills to assist the guys behind Chernobyl AND I created Milton Keynes.'
'And the Fire. We've been friends ever since, haven't we?'
'Of course. Shouldn't let the day job get in the way of friendship, that's what I always say. Right, where exactly are we?'
'Oh. Shit, really? That was one of our guys.'
'I gathered. We need to leave this park and head towards the Princess Royal Hospital. Damien is being born in 25 minutes.'
'You should know, really. I'm going to fill out the forms and make sure all procedures are done correctly and swiftly. The Boss is wary, as you can imagine.'
'You're there to ensure he does become the Spawn of Satan, the Destroyer of all Destroyers, the creature who's going to instigate the Almighty Judgment Day across the entire universe.'
'Of course. Have I got time just to kill one more swan?'
'No. But I've got a few chickens you can practise on when we meet up for lunch later.'
'I look forward to it. Best of luck.'
Patrick Campbell, 2011